A Demon's Diary
Extract from the book A Demon's Diary by Sbu Ngubane writing as Wesley E. King
HADES – 1958
My soul has no desire for such things, they are as disease in my food. Job 6: 7
Azuzel entered the door to Satan’s chambers with a bleeding heart. Over the past couple of millennia he’d lost count of a number of times he’d visited Satan’s office, his human killing formula in hand, hope of getting approval sky high, only to get politely declined.
“Do you want to end up being disgraced by human medicine like Druitz, Wahum and Migraine?” The devil would contemptuously interrogate him; adopting the pained air of a teacher forced to explain something relatively simple to a particularly stupid pupil.
“No sir.”
“Then go back and modify it because it’s still so simple even a novice of a traditional healer from the jungles of Africa can easily foil it.”
End of another blood, tears and sweat story.
* * *
As one regret followed another, Azuzel began taking it personal, feeling somehow prejudiced by the devil. With his courage wounded, he’d go back to his workshop weeping, cursing loud and kick human souls around, wondering whether his quest to become a Supreme Demon was still worth a shot.
On the second millennium of his futile attempts at impressing the devil; every journey to Satan’s office had become a real nightmare for Azuzel. Satan seemed to have accustomed himself to his shambling walk because even before he knocked on the door, from inside he’d just crackle, “Come in Azuzel.”
For yet another goddamn regret.
Retreating a little distance, his mind calculating fast, he’d realize that giving it up now meant he’d remain an ordinary demon forever, without dignity and reverence in the evil kingdom.
The amount of self-indignation he felt for being an ordinary demon was devastating and every moment before Azuzel shut the door behind him Satan would twist the final screw in his sinking heart by saying, “Remember, when Jesus is conquered and the Awful Horror is over, only Supreme Demons will rule the world with me.”
Azuzel knew very well about the Awful Horror and the terrible consequences it spelt for an ordinary demon. For in the book of Final Victory 2: 9 Satan writes: Ordinary demons must thrive to become Supreme Demons while the sun still shines... My plan to defeat Jesus is clear and concise... I’ll simply destroy him with my dazzling presence and a breath of flames from my mouth. Lo to humankind and ordinary demons after my victory! I’ll bundle them together like weeds and throw them into the abyss where my fellow Supremes will grill and roast them with forks along with human beings forever and ever.
For this reason, every other century Azuzel found himself relentlessly knocking on the devil’s door. On several occasions after Satan had showed him the door, Azuzel would realize that he’s beginning to hate himself more and more for failure, wondering why he’s not giving up the whole thing. However, when Satan’s words: “When the Awful Horror is over…” echoed in his subconscious, a sense of retreating sent icy cold shivers down his spine.
THE WELL OILED MACHINE
HADES – 1971
And then Satan went out from before the Lord, and sent on Job an evil disease covering his skin from his feet to the top of his head. Job 2: 7
For the umpteenth time in two millenaries Azuzel approached Satan’s office somehow full of chutzpah. Like the first day two thousand years ago when he’d approached the door with his human killing formula in hand, he felt almost certain that he’d come out a winner this time around.
He felt so rejuvenated for a reason. Deep down inside he knew that what he had this time around was all he would ever have. There were no further loopholes to patch. There were no more upgrades to make. It was now or never.
It took Satan twenty minutes of intense evaluation of the documentation laid across the table to announce his final verdict. Raising his head, he noticed that Azuzel was nervously gazing down on the table, twiddling his thumbs in anticipation for another regret.
A millionth and final regret.
Satan’s Personal Assistant Jaul, the owl demon, who, perched on the rafters, kept calling names of the dying humans on earth, occasionally interrupted the eerie moment of silence. Azuzel felt a strong urge to scream at him to shut the fuck up. “Can’t you see my life is hanging by a thread here? Just give those fucking human beings a break for a moment, freaky birdie?”
When Satan finally broke the silence, his voiced boomed up with pride, “Congratulations brother Azuzel, you’ve finally made it.”
As the news hit home to Azuzel, Satan noticed for the first time a rare smile on the constantly snarled face he had always deemed the ugliest and most badly chiseled in his kingdom, those sunken eyes bulging forth with surprise.
Satan stretched a hand across the table. Azuzel shook it feebly. I don’t see any twinkle of joy in his eyes, what’s wrong? Satan wondered. Then he watched Azuzel’s face changing from delight to disbelief to disgust. Instead of a euphoric bravo he was expecting, the ugliest face in Hades simply contorted as Azuzel broke down and cried. It was such an awful sight Satan looked away.
Another brief moment of deafening silence passed. A minute later, raising his head, Azuzel said with a great deal of incredulity, “Mr. President, the past two thousand years have been quite taxing to me emotionally. Regrets after regrets. I can’t even begin to explain the pain I’ve gone through over the centuries developing this human killing formula without success. So I’m in not in a mood for your dry sense of humour, sir.”
For the first time Satan felt sorry for him. Azuzel had received so many regrets in the past he did not believe he had finally made it. Neither was he aware that his formula had actually passed its test a millennium ago nor that his license to kill humans had been deliberately withheld all along for the sake of festering intense hatred for them in his heart, which was Satan’s old strategy to incite demons so that when they eventually ventured out to kill humans on earth, it was with unrelenting vengeance.
THE CATALYST
Let the arm of the sinner and the evil-doer be broken; go on searching for his sin till there is no more. Psalm 10: 15
The following day Satan opened the boardroom meeting in high spirits. With gusto, he introduced Azuzel to the Executive Council as a new associate with a completely new dimension in human killing strategy. Using human anatomy sketches on the chalkboard, he lectured the boardroom about a new human killing formula Azuzel had devised, “Azuzel’s not here to kill human beings, but to rejuvenate demons that human medicine has laid off-duty for some time, for them to be able to kill once again.”
He studied their faces closely, stoic.
“He’ll achieve this by breaking the sufferer’s natural defenses against infection, transforming previously curable demons like Druitz and Bezrey, to mention but two, into terminal illnesses once again. Gentlemen, Azuzel has invented a brilliant weapon that destabilizes Life in a human body, that old foe of ours known scientifically to humans as the Immune System, whom we all know is an angel responsible for a healing process in a human body.”
Cancer yawned loudly.
Satan went on, “As we all know that some of us have recently fallen prey to medicine and human body organ transplants, I want to assure you today that with the arrival of Azuzel no medical technology can stop us now.”
He studied his audience once again and noticed frowns on the faces of Cancer and Mungab. Something’s wrong, “Brothers, I think we should all welcome this kid on the block with a big round of applause.”
Satan noticed that all board members, except for Cancer, whose face had suddenly turned ashen, clapped their hands, he probably feels insecure. “Brothers, let me make this opportunity available for comments or questions, if there is any.”
Cancer raised a hand and snapped his fingers repeatedly.
Here we go, he is most probably peeved. Satan reluctantly pointed him out. Cancer stood up abruptly and said, “As far as I’m concerned, I’m the only demon in this kingdom whose modus operandi is tampering with human cells. Therefore, I think Azuzel is straying into my territory with this formula. Now, Mr. President, can you tell me why you allow a plagiarist to steal my human killing formula in broad daylight?”
So far so good, I prepared myself for this technicality.
Satan cleared his voice and said, “Brother Cancer, at face value it may look like Azuzel has invaded your own fiefdom of course, but to say his formula is a carbon copy of yours is misguided.”
Mungab shook his head and murmured a protest on behalf of his friend Cancer. I didn’t know you were so close; couple of fags, Satan thought for a moment and said, “I suggest we raise our hands if we want to say something brothers. If you have something to say brother Mungab, I suggest you stop muttering and spell it out.”
Mungab stood up, “Of course I’ve some worries about Azuzel's formula Mr. President. Unless there’s something else about his human killing formula that you haven’t told us, it seems like my learned friend here brother Cancer has a point in accusing him of plagiary. If he also tampers with human cells, I don't see any difference between Cancer’s formula and his own?”
Damn, this presentation is becoming a bit complicated than I thought, Satan pondered bitterly, “Let me clarify this. The only thing Cancer and Azuzel have in common is that they both attack human cells. However, Cancer also specializes in eating away body limbs, which is not what Azuzel practically does. Brothers, in the wake of what that South African cardiologist named Chris Barnard has done to Cancer by successfully performing that first human heart transplant on Louis Washkansky, Azuzel becomes the only solution we have been looking for to neutralize this new threat.”
Cancer shifted uneasily in his chair in embarrassment. Satan went on, “With all due respect brother Cancer, but ever since that hiding, you’ll admit that several other human organ transplants have been performed successfully against you by non-aligned physicians on earth. This is where Azuzel comes in as a catalyst by chowing white blood cells to render the art of organ transplantation moribund.”
Satan paused for a moment and swept the whole boardroom table with his eyes, studying every demon’s face carefully before proceeding, “Brothers, we’re all working together for a common goal here, aren’t we? To hurt Jehovah. And we’re fully aware that there’s no other way we could achieve this other than by tormenting His most beloved creatures on earth called human beings. Therefore, I’d appreciate it if you swallowed your pride brother Cancer and regarded Azuzel as your comrade in arms than a rival.”
The deafening silence that followed was spooky.
“If there are no further questions brothers, allow me to take this opportunity to give Azuzel a chance to say something, or perhaps address Cancer’s concerns.”
Satan concluded and sat down. Azuzel stood up as five pair of eyes around the table intently watched him. He felt ill at ease and failed dismally to look back at the faces of the veterans. Clearing his voice, he decided to look straight at the chalkboard where diagrams Satan had just been using to explain his formula to the board stared back at him.
“Brothers, I cannot begin to express my pride, joy and honour to stand before you here as a new member of the esteemed elite. In fact, to say I’m honored is an understatement. After spending more than two thousand years waiting for this opportunity of a lifetime, I have to admit that I finally feel exalted. However, to say I’m disappointed with the reception I get from brother Cancer here would be an understatement. Funny enough, brother Cancer has always been my role model, a demon I looked up to even during the time I was developing this human killing formula…”
“Looked up to plagiarize.” Cancer retorted and giggled sarcastically. “How convenient.”
All demons around the table, except for Death and Satan, giggled.
Satan was annoyed, “Order brothers.” Satan growled. “Order!” For a moment nobody seemed to have heard him speaking. Satan decided to wait patiently. A minute later he felt relieved when the table finally went quiet again.
“You may proceed, brother Azuzel.” Satan said, feeling pity for Azuzel, whose sunken eyes were now brimming with tears.
Fuming, Azuzel said, “To be honest, I’ve taken great offence at your unwarranted attack on me brother Cancer.” A quiver in Azuzel’s voice outlined the extent of his outrage. “To accuse me of plagiary is not only malicious, it smacks of jealousy. Except for the fact that you and I attack human cells and ruin human blood, we have nothing else in common, actually. I’m contagious, you’re not. I’m fresh and full of energy, you’re now exhausted. In addition, in case you’ve suddenly forgotten, nobody rejoiced here the day you were beaten hands down by Dr Chris Barnard four years ago. We all wept with you. And if truth be told, ever since that hiding, your progress in human killing has more or less hinged on sheer scientific ineptitude than competitiveness…”
Someone blew a long whistle, the one that always stokes fires. Cancer's face had suddenly turned into the colour of cold mutton fat. Mad with rage, he abruptly stood up but Mungab managed to wrap his arms round his waist before he leapt at Azuzel. Trying unsuccessfully to wriggle himself free, he screamed all sorts of expletives at Azuzel, “Who the hell do you think you are? Fuck face! Do you know how many human scalps I have claimed since the beginning of time! While you and the rest of ordinary demons around here had nothing to do but kick human souls around for amusement!”
Then an uproar erupted across the table. In the middle of the commotion Mungab and Cancer threatened to leave the meeting. “Sit down brothers.” Satan gestured for calm with his hands towards Cancer, who was still shouting all kinds of obscenities at Azuzel.
Satan tried to douse the flames, “Calm down brothers, please. Let’s desist from behaving like freaking human beings by controlling our emotions!”
Cancer tried to wriggle himself free once again but Mungab held him tight around his waist. He said furiously to Satan, “Mr. President, tell this greenhorn of yours to mind his words or else I’ll teach him a lesson he will never forget right away!”
Satan walked over to Cancer and squeezed his shoulder with his hand, trying to calm him down, “I urge you once again to calm down brother. You’re too matured a veteran to dignify such childish behavior with an emotional outburst.” Satan said, jabbing his forehead towards Azuzel, who was now sitting in his chair, trembling like a reed. After a while Mungab managed to slam his friend down on his chair.
When the dust finally settled Satan said to Azuzel, “I think you must apologize to brother Cancer for what I deem as an unwarranted assassination of his character.”
Azuzel stood up and diffidently gazed down to the table, “I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me brother Cancer for rubbing you the wrong way. I’d also like to apologize to this table and President Satan, if my first impressions did not paint a positive picture of me, so that we can all work together for the aspirations of this kingdom. By nature I’m not an arrogant demon, as such, I did not plan to make such an unceremonious entrance to the honourable elite. Mr. President, I sincerely regret any inconvenience this little skirmish may have caused and I swear, next time it happens it will bear no signature of mine. Thank you.”
Satan’s voice became sterner. He said to Azuzel, “I’ll not tolerate such infantile behavior against any of my senior officials once again, not from you, not from any other novice, is that clear?”
Deadpan, Azuzel said, “Yes sir.”
Cancer grunted, cursed, and finally nudged himself free of Mungab’s tight grip, “Okay, leave me alone now. I’m fine.”
Mungab finally lost grip of Cancer, wagged a finger at Azuzel and said, “As far as my human killing experience is concerned, you’re far too wet behind the ears to start growing such a fat head, new fish.”
“Quiet!” Satan roared once again.
Eusebius, who had been watching the spectacle with keen interest, also decided to rub salt to the injury on Azuzel, “If you think non-aligned physicians on earth are that naïve Azuzel, you got your wires crossed boy because within few hours of your human harvest on earth they’ll kick your arse back to an ordinary demon status, fathead. If you don’t believe me ask Druitz, Bezrey, Cique and the rest of The Curables.”
Death finally joined the fray, “And If you want to make an everlasting impression in this human killing business Azuzel, learn to respect your fellow demons, especially these veterans here who have walked this path ahead of you. You’ll learn a lot from them.”
The tongue-lashing had happened so fast it had caught Satan by surprise and semi-paralyzed his instincts for a quick reaction. He finally gathered the courage, stood up and barked once again, “As Chair of this meeting when I say order I mean it, dammit! This is not a den of drunkards! Stop this stupid bickering right now!”
When a minute later the noise finally subsided, Satan breathed a sigh of relief and said to Azuzel, “I guess it’s time you made your closing remarks, brother Azuzel.”
Now Azuzel’s voice was apprehensive, “In conclusion, I’d like to emphasize the fact that my strength lies in human sexual promiscuity. Therefore, I can only spread easily with the help of demons like Paedophilia, Rape, Fornication and Adultery. So if some of you brothers here are in charge of these demons I have just mentioned, I’d appreciate it if you introduced me to them.”
Azuzel concluded and sat down, still shaken. He glanced to his right and met with Mungab’s ugly glare. The amount of loathing written in Mungab’s bloodshot eyes made him look away, albeit remorsefully, that he had inadvertently made himself enemies on his first day at work, not a positive omen for a brighter future.
Satan stood up and said, “We’ve come to the end of this deliberation brothers, unless of course, there are further questions or comments from the table.”
No one raised a hand.
Satan gesticulated to Death with the palm of his hand, “Let me pass this opportunity to my Deputy President then, to make his closing remarks.”
Death locked eyes with Azuzel for a while and finally said indifferently, “Nice to meet you Azuzel. Welcome to the human killing elite. I personally pledge to work with you as your Field Marshal. I also wish you a sustainable human killing spree on earth. However, I’m worried about your attitude. It smacks of delusions of grandeur; a trait that has seen several demons falling from grace. So take this brotherly advice from me. A way into a sustainable human killing spree on earth begins with respect for your fellow demons, especially these veterans sitting around this table. Like I said before, you’ve a lot to learn from us.” Then he looked at Satan and concluded, “Nothing further, Mr. President.”
Like Cancer and Mungab, he doesn’t particularly like my new protégé. Satan thought bitterly, that makes three of them. When, as a tradition, Satan clapped his hands to welcome Azuzel into the elite but no one around the table responded, he was very disappointed, old dogs stick together.
Dejected, he adjourned the meeting.
